[ProU] cond or t

[Honnen]

 it was under protest--under pretty much the same protest with which you
care for me. You were both times carried away so by your own passion
that for the moment your mental reservations were in abeyance. And
although perhaps a breath of that same passion stirred me--I can admit
it now when the distance between us will not make that admission a
weapon in your hands--yet there was somewhere in me a little voice
whispering: "Sophie, it won't do. You can't mix oil and water." There is
a streak of my poor weak and passionate mother in me. But there is also
a counterbalancing streak of my father's deliberate judgment. He has
schooled me for my ultimate protection--as he has often made plain--to
think, to know why I do a thing, to look, even if ever so briefly,
before I leap. And I cannot help it, if when I felt tempted to say the
word that would have given me the right to feel the ecstasy of your arms
drawing me close and your lips pressed on mine, if in the same breath I
was looking ahead and getting a disillusioning glimpse of what life
together would mean for you and me, you with your deeply implanted
prejudices, your hard and fast conceptions of good and evil, of right
and wrong--I what I am, a creature craving pleasure, joy, luxury, if
possible, happiness wherever and whenever I can assure myself I have
really found it. I wouldn't make a preacher's wife at all, I know. I'd
stifle in that sort of atmosphere. Even if you were not a minister--if
you were just plain man--and I wish you were--I don't know. I have to
try my wings, now that I have the opportunity. How do I know what turn
my vagrant impulses may take? I may be one of those queer, perverted
creatures (_vide_ Havelock Ellis. You'll find two volumes of his
psychology of sex among dad's books) whose instincts incline toward many
men in turn. I don't believe I am. A woman's destiny, in so far as I
have been able to grasp the feminine function by what I've read and
observed in a limited way, is to mate and to rear children. I don't
think I'm a variation from the normal type, except
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